she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
