sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
