I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
