So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
