does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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