I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
