i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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