The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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