He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
