youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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