So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
