I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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