You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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