Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
