If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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