Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
