U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
