Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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