Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
