All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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