Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
