Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
