God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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