I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Randomize
