I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
