drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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