I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
