Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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