why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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