The maid of honor just puked.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
