Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
