He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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