somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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