dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
