Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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