So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
