Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
