if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
