I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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