Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
