you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
