This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
