On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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