she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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