The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
