in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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