i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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