Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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