I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
