hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
