just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
