He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
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Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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