Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
