I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
