And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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