Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
