So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
