Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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