BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
