So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
