Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
